Snow Drill!

In a household with five people and two dogs I have found it helpful to have drills prepared so that the family knows what to do in case of an emergency or quickly needed action.

I'm sure many of you have a fire drill, everyone evacuates and meets at a safe spot.  There is our tornado drill where we head to the basement.  We also have a plow drill.  When the plow guy comes to plow the driveway I yell "Plow Drill!" and everyone runs out to move their car or get their crap out of the driveway.

This morning we woke up to about 4 inches of snow and were just sitting down to breakfast when the plow guys showed up.  I yelled "Plow Drill!" and everyone left the table to move cars and collect any snow toys that were out.  When I went back in the dining room my 12 year old son and his friend (who slept over) were hiding in the hallway.

Me:  "Big J what are you doing?"


Big J:  "Hiding."


Me:  "Why? You are supposed to be picking up your snow toys for the snow drill."


Big J:"Oh I thought this was the Jehovah's Witness at the door drill."

Maybe I have too many drills?

Camel Toe

I have these new pants I just love but they are a little snug fitting.  I was walking into the living room and asked my 20 year old:

Me: "Double D do these pants give me camel toe?"


Double D: "No"


My 12 year old son Big J: "What's camel toe?"

I had no idea Big J was behind me.  Double D and I decided to make this a teachable moment and explained to him what it was.

He Didn't Cure Cancer?

To appreciate this post you have to understand that my son Big J is the youngest of three, making him my baby.  I'll admit that I'm more than guilty of over mothering him or "treating him like a baby" as my older girls say.

If you have read my earlier posts you have probably figured out that the sun rises and sets on my son as far as I'm concerned.

Tonight he made his own dinner, cod nuggets in the convection oven.

Me (very enthusiastically): "Big J I'm so proud of you!  Look what you did today, you made your own breakfast, packed your own lunch and made your own dinner!!!!"


Big J: "Mom I made fish sticks I didn't cure cancer."

What makes this more amusing is that I'm always saying to my older girls "you cleaned the bathroom you didn't cure cancer, you didn't cure cancer you did your own dishes" etc.  I guess he listens and is amazingly humble considering how I see treat him like the chosen one.

A Genius in The Family

My 12 year old son Big J has never been into sports, or shown much interest in anything outside of video games.  The Stud Muffin and I had fears of him turning into a 40 year old basement dweller who still lived with us.

When Big J developed a passion for the guitar we were thrilled and impressed with how quickly he picked it up.  Big J is able to hear a song and figure out how to play it on the guitar.

Big J, Double D (my 20 year old) and I were sitting at the dinner table. Big J showed me how he figured out how to play "Hear comes the bride" on the guitar.  He had heard Double D play it on the piano.

Me: "That is awesome Big J!  Double D he is a musical genius!"


Double D: "How come you never told me that when I was younger?  I played the saxophone, piano, the flute and could also play by ear just like Big J is."


Me: "Double D I told you all the time what a musical genius you were."


Double D: "When I played you only ever told be to be quiet or play downstairs with my door closed!"

After reflecting on this I'm embarrassed to admit that Double D is right.

Me: "Well Double D you did EVERYTHING so well.  I took your genius for granted.  Your brother on the other hand was border line retarded, so his achievements stand out more."

In trying to dig myself out of one hole I realized I was quickly digging another, as I then had to explain to Big J how he wasn't really retarded, just a late bloomer.  For the record he recently scored quite a bit above average in reading, language and math.  This was after spending most of his early school years just below average.  He has found his stride and our fears of having him turn into a 40 year old basement dweller still living with us, have diminished greatly.

To Shave or Not to Shave

As often is the case, men don't understand or appreciate all the work it takes to keep up with being a female.

Case in point: We were at Target and I was looking for a new razor.  The one I was looking at was around $11.00 for a pack of 3, not ridiculous at all.

Stud Muffin: "Why don't you get those other pink ones, they come 12 to a pack and are cheaper?  They are just for shaving your legs ".


Me: "You have a high tech electric razor, but you want me to get the cheapest razors I can find and risk getting hepatitis from a substandard brand?  For the record I also shave my arm pits and Va-Jay-Jay area."


Stud Muffin: "You don't shave down there."


Me: "Well I don't know why I bother since you apparently don't notice the landscaping job I do.  If I didn't it would look like an over grown bush down there."


Our 12 year old son Big J: "I'm standing right here you know and I don't need to be hearing this!"

That day, Stud Muffin learned to not question my choice of razors, and Big J learned more than he needed to about his mom.

Protecting the Next Generation

My son will not say the words "damn, hell" or a host of other swear words, but he loves to throw around talk of his balls or ball sac.  Being that he is my only son and I don't have balls, I don't know if it is just a boy thing to refer to your balls on a regular basis or not.

He has been growing like a weed lately and outgrowing his jeans.  The other day we walked out of his room a bit hunched over wearing a pair of jeans and saying:

Big J: "Mom these jeans are smashing my ball sac!"

Luckily I had just bought a larger pair, which he then put on protecting his ball sac and probably my future grandchildren.

Parental Standards

The Stud Muffin and I were discussing whether or not we thought a boyfriend of one of our daughters was a good guy or not.  As a mother I'm very protective of my children and who they are with.  I was discussing my concerns, which in all honesty were minimal with the Stud Muffin.  This was his response:

Stud Muffin: "Well at least she didn't meet him at a biker bar and bring home crabs."


Me: "That's your standard!  As long as they don't meet a crab infested boy at a biker bar he is good enough for one of our girls?"

Obviously I am going to have to take lead when it comes to screening our daughter's boyfriends.

Blow on This

As a parent of teenagers I feel it is my civic duty to own and use an alcohol breathalyzer.  I was telling my daughter Lovey (currently 17 years old) how I want her to let her friends know that I'm not afraid to use it if they are over and I suspect someone has been drinking.

I let her know that I verified with the local police department that I am well within my right to ask anyone in my home to submit to a breathalyzer test, though they could decline, at which point I would ask them to leave.

Of course Lovey found this mortifying and said:

Lovey: "You really shouldn't.  That's taking embarrassment to a whole new level.  I think the college visit thing was far enough."

Note: She claims I humiliated her when I asked our tour guide at a recent college visit for her, "What are the rules on boys in girls' dorms and vice versa?" and proceeded to have a conversation with him about the subject.  I still don't get what how this was so embarrassing, plus I asked him one on one and not in front for the whole group on the tour, which I thought was thoughtful on my part.

I continued to try to get her to understand.

Me: "It's like owning a gun.  It's not like I'm going to shoot someone, but it will make them think twice about breaking into my house if I'm prepared to pop a cap in their ass!"


In the future when she becomes a parent she will appreciate my parenting methods.  Minimally a therapist will one day help her understand my good intentions.

On Being Sexually Active

Me to my daughter when she turned 20 "Don't be a whore.  Every boy you sleep with takes you one step closer to getting cervical cancer".

In my defense, there are studies to back this up.